Postpartum Depression

May 13th, 2018 - For my very first Mother’s Day, I want to be transparent about something that many mothers endure, yet feel as though they need to suffer alone out of fear of judgment and ridicule. I want to do my part to help end this stigma, and join together in solidarity, in hopes that it helps others not feel alone.

I suffered from postpartum depression. I am now on the other side of my battle with PPD. Not many know this as I was attempting to keep it a secret due to the stigma attached to it, but this needs to be discussed. Especially on Mother’s Day.

I felt extremely isolated. I had never heard anyone close to me discuss this issue, and many fear coming forward with their stories. I didn’t have anyone as an example of someone who overcame this. I felt like I was a terrible mom because no one around me had experienced this amount of weakness. I ignorantly thought people got PPD because they didn’t want their baby. But I adored Mila ever since I heard her heartbeat, and I loved her more than anything in this world, so I had no idea how this could even be happening to me.

What was it like? I have struggled with anxiety my entire life, but never depression. It started as soon as I had Mila, but I pushed it off. My road to motherhood started off rocky, and within the first week I was back in the hospital, terribly sick with mastitis. Milk supply decreases, illnesses, anxiety, and lack of sleep plagued the beginning of my journey. I felt like I could never breathe. I kept pushing away these thoughts...continuously overcompensating for them because I felt like they made me a bad mom. So I was literally the best mom I could possibly be, in an attempt to make up for what I thought were my own shortcomings.

Being a single mom dealing with all of this was tough. But then school started to become more difficult. I lost my grip on reality...I hit this dark place I had never been in. I didn’t feel like I was living anymore. I didn’t feel like living anymore. My future was no longer guaranteed. I loved my baby, but I hated myself. Even thinking about the state I was in brings me to a place of deep sorrow. It hurts my heart to know how bad I let this get. All because I was too ashamed to admit that this was happening to me.

Finally, I was coaxed into getting help. I was so scared to be honest with myself because I felt like I was the only one who had gone through this. And I felt like it made me a bad mom. I attended a group filled with women who were just like me. Seeing that I wasn’t alone gave me so much strength.

My PPD didn’t make me a bad mom. It made me a STRONG mom. It made me a fighter. It made me a human who DESERVED to be my amazing angel’s mom.

So please- if you’re experiencing PPD, GET HELP. Reach out to me. Simply knowing you’re not alone can be such a positive thing. Screw any stigma you think there is, you can overcome this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am now on the other side, and my life is bright and happy. I LOVE MY LIFE. I LOVE MY DAUGHTER. AND I LOVE THIS TUMULTUOUS JOURNEY I HAVE BEEN ON. I would scream this from the mountain tops if it would push just ONE person into seeking help. It pains my heart to know there are so many Mommas out there silently suffering like I did. And some never get to win this battle.

Mila- You are my true love. You are the reason I am here. You are the reason I didn’t give up on this beautiful life we have. Your mommy wakes up everyday absolutely confused as to how she was gifted with your beautiful soul. Thank you for making ME your mommy.

Happy Mother’s Day. 📷🌼📷💕 #PPD #PostpartumDepression #PPDAwareness #PPDSurvivor #MaternalMentalHealth